Medhros' Return
by KatrineLaclyon
Summary: After being in the Halls of Mandos, Maedhros is finally released. But how will his meeting with his siblings be? And what of his mother? And after all the pain which tortured him for centuries, what does he remember? Set to after the War of The Ring.


**A/N:** Hello, dear readers!

I decided to share this ff with you, since I think (and hope) it came out well. It's partly inspired by a song with a very nice and touching lyrics, called "Undertow" by "Genesis", partly by the awesome artist called Jenny Dolfen, and partly by my homeworks in geometry.

Anyhow, I hope you'll like it!

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**Maedhros' Return**

_The curtains are drawn,_

_Now the fire warms the room._

_Meanwhile outside,_

_Wind from the north-east chills the air,_

_It will soon be snowing out there._

_And some there are,_

_Cold, prepare for a sleepless night._

_Maybe this will be their last fight._

Cold. I am cold. No. The fire still burns inside me, but it's weak. Just enough to keep me alive. Maybe this will be my last fight. Maybe. A small hope. The hope of a fool. I am a fool. Why didn't I see it while I still had the chance? Why didn't I just return before they burned the ships?

Because of the oath. It would've followed me anyway. Why did I swear the oath? Because I was young and foolish. I looked up to my father. Once he had been great man. But then he failed. The fire inside him drove him mad. Or so they say. I don't know. I'll never know. They'll never let him go, nor will they ever let me go.

But if they did. If they did. What would I do? Would I change to the better? Never again would I swear an oath like that. I have learned. The Valar don't want the children of Illuvatar any harm. They wish for them to be happy. They never wished anything else. And when the children failed... Then they had to learn of their faults. I learned from my faults. But I'll never be free.

_But we're safe in each other's arms,_

_All fears go out as I look at your face._

Ai, the coldness. How I miss her arms. Her arms were always warm. They always welcomed me then. They would hold me, dry away my tears, and tell me it had been nothing but a nightmare.

But that was before. I don't think she love me anymore. Not after all the pain I caused her. But yet. I wish I could meet her one last time. Tell her I'm sorry. Beg for her forgiveness, even if I know she wouldn't give it. If the Valar chose that as my punishment, then it would be the worst torture. To look her in the eyes. To see her disappointment. And then... when she would turn her face away I would fall. That would break me into more pieces than possible to put together.

But I know. She would never look at me again. I'm never going to cry I her arms again. Never again will she tell me it was only a nightmare. She will only tell me in a whisper: "You don't deserve better."

_Better think awhile,_

_Or I may never think again._

_If this were the last day of your life, my friend,_

_Tell me, what do you think you would do then?_

I would beg them all for forgiveness. My brothers for making them go with me. My father for following him. Her for being a disappointment.

I would lay on my knees in front of them, crying. But how would I be able to do anything else? Never again shall I be able to see them. I know they are free. I've been told so. By Namo. But I'm never going to be free. The pain will always follow me.

_Stand up to the blow that fate has struck upon you,_

_Make the most of all you still have coming to you._

Then it's over. After thousands of years of pain. It's over. Only darkness and emptiness is left. And then a door open. Light flows in, and I see a silhouette standing there, dark against the light.

He says something, but I don't understand. Even if there is no more torture, I can't understand him. My body is weak. Too weak to answer when my brain tells it to move. Ah, how I wish I could walk out of that door. But I can't.

Then I fall. I don't know why. I hit the floor, but can't raise. I hear someone shout, but the words seems unknown. Strange.

I hear steps coming toward me. I want to pull away. Run. Run as far away as I can, but I feel someone turn me over on my back. Above me I can see a blur of colours, but I don't know how to react. Will they send me back to the pain? Something is said again. I see the lips of the person above me move, and I hear the voice, but I can't make out the words which are said. They seem too long. Too long to understand, and I know I've been separated from the rest of the world for too long. I know I'll have to learn everything again. If they let me out.

Then the person lifts me up, and I'm carried toward the light. My body must be light in the man's arms. Light and weak. Under my head I can feel his chest. I can feel him breathing, his chest raising and falling, but I don't remember how it feels to breath. I don't remember how it feels when the lounges are filled with air, and the life flows through me.

Around me I hear voices. Someone is laughing, while others are crying. Then I hear a gasp, followed by silence. But the one carrying me continues to walk. Finally I'm put down again, but it isn't a hard, dark floor. It's a soft bed covered in white sheets.

"...Maitimo..." There are more words, but the only thing I understand is my own name. Everything seems to have it's own glow, or maybe it is nothing but my blurred vision. Then a light touch at my forehead, and I close my eyes. Finally I can sleep. Finally I can close my eyes without feeling the pain. Finally I'm free.

_Lay down on the ground and let the tears flow from you,_

_Crying to the grass and trees, and heaven finally on your knees._

They let me go. As I open my eyes, after a long, peaceful sleep, I know I'm free. After all wrong I did, and all the pain and torture, they let me go.

Slowly I sit up. I'm still in the same room as the man left me in earlier, but I'm alone. The room is small, but clean. Slowly I raise. The floor is warm and covered in a soft carpet. I look around the room again. There is a high window letting a warm summer-sun into the room. I see nothing dark, only clean colours. No dirt. No blood. No pain. My gaze flicker to the mirror hanging at the wall. As I look into it, I see myself, as I am.

There I see a pale face with high cheekbones, and yet there is colour in the cheeks. There are grey eyes, but they aren't empty. I see life shine in them, as if they were stars, or just awoke from a long, long sleep. Red, wavy hair flows down my back, but it's clean, and seems as if it just was brushed. I'm dressed up in clean clothes. Brown pants and brown, light shoes, together with a cream-coloured tunic. There are no embroiders on them, but the seem nice in their simpleness.

I lift my hand up in front of my face, and look at them. They are there, both of them. They are just as pale as my face, but I'm alive. I'm free. I've gotten a new body, yet similar to the old one.

Then I turn and slowly walk out the door. There are no one outside, but as I walk down the corridor, it feels as if someone are watching over me. I continue walking. Soon I reach a door. It's open, and in flows the same warm summer-sun as in the room. Slowly I step out of the door, down the stairs.

Every colour I see is bright and new to my eye, as if they were made just as I spotted them. There is a road disappearing into a forest with high trees. The trees have white stems leafs. I walk into this forest, feeling the wonder of a child as I look at everything around me.

The road turns into a path, which then disappears. But I continue walking. Deeper and deeper into the forest. I enjoy the warmth of the sun as it warms my body. Suddenly there is a clearing, and I find I'm not alone. I stop, and stare at the elf standing there. Her hair have nearly the same colour as mine, just a bit darker, and there are small, white pearls in it. She's dressed in a long white and red dress, covering her feet. Her eyes are grey, just as mine, wide in shock. And I know her. I just don't remember her name. I wish I did. To fit to such a woman, it had to be really beautiful.

Slowly I approach her, until I'm standing in the middle of the clearing, and she's just a few steps away from me. There I stop, unsure if I shall continue. I wish to throw my arms around her. I wish for her to hold me, but then I know she won't. I can see the shock in her eyes slowly mix with recognition, and then disappointment.

She says something, but I don't understand her. She continues to talk, but I can't do anything else than look at her with something I'm sure is a dumb look. I want to say I don't understand her, that all those words are too much for me to understand just yet. And finally it seems as if she understand my thoughts, 'cause she stops, and watches me with a frown. "Maitimo?" she then asks. I don't know what to reply. So I decide to say what have been on my mind since I spotted her.

"Nana." It feels as if a barrier inside me is broken. I feel my eyes burn with guilt and unsheathe tears. Slowly I sink to my knees in front of her, shaking with sobs. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am, but I can't. The words are gone.

_Let me live again, let life come find me wanting._

_Spring must strike again, against the shield of winter._

_Let me feel once more the arms of love surround me,_

_Telling me the danger's past, I need not fear the icy blast again._

I lay there, still crying. And I find myself wishing I was back in the darkness and pain. It would've been better if they let me stay there. It is known to me, but this... I don't know what to do.

I feel a hand lightly at the top of my head, together with soft words. Then the woman kneels in front of me, putting her arms around me. And she's warm. When I let my head rest against her chest, sobbing, and clenching the soft fabric her dress is made of, desperately wishing it's not a dream, I can hear her heart. It's beating a known rhythm. A rhythm I've known my whole life. Slowly my sobs fade away, and I'm aware of her softly singing. I don't understand the words, but the melody gives me hope. Hope that I'm still welcome in my own family.

_Laughter, music and perfume linger here,_

_And there, and there,_

_Wine flows from flask to glass and mouth,_

_As it soothes, confusing our doubts._

For a long while we only sit there, and I feel at home. I wonder why I ever left her. Then she slowly let go of me, and I look up at her. She smiles at me, carefully brushing some strands of red hair out of my eyes. She helps me up, and takes my hand, leading me out of the forest.

We walk for something which seems as just a few minutes, but in fact it was many hours. She tells me tales, I think, but I still don't understand. All what keeps me from bursting into tears again, because of the hopeless feeling inside, is her voice. The tones and the laughter, and then when she sings.

In front of us, a city appears. There are high walls and terraces of white stone, but there are also green, high trees and flowers. And elves. Children running through the streets, laughing, some youngsters playing a prank at a grown ellon, probably an uncle or something like that, and older elves. They walk through the streets, talking and laughing, or sits in front of their houses, drinking and eating.

I'm lead to a beautiful house, and it seems known. There is a big garden outside it, and there I find a huge dog, together with an ellon. The ellon have quite wavy, fair and long hair, and he's dressed in green and brown clothes, lined with gold. He laughs when he notices she who led me there, and she let go of my hand, taking the ellon into a warm embrace. Then the ellon's eyes falls on me, and those grey eyes widens. He says something, and the woman answers. Then his face is lit up with a huge smile, and he runs toward me, calling: "Maitimo!"

He throws his arms around me, hugging me tightly. And I put my arms around him. I close my eyes, remembering the scent of his clothes. "Tylkormo," I murmur, and when I say his name, he holds me even tighter. Then he let go of me, hands still holding my arms. His face is lit up by a smile when he talks, but to me it makes no sense. All those words turns into a mixture, and I can't separate them.

Another shout is heard from the house, and I see four persons in the door. The first have long, straight and dark hair gathered in his neck, and wears dark violet clothes. The second is low, have dark brown, nearly black, hair put up in a ponytail, and wears brown, red and orange. The last two are identical, have red wavy hair, as me, and are dressed in blue and silver. They all have grey eyes staring at me with shock which slowly turns into joy.

I'm literally attacked by them as all of them try to hug me at the same time. I laugh. It's the first time since I am let free. It feels good. I name them all, happy I remember them. "Carnistir, Atarinkë and Ambarussa." The two last shines at me, nearly like small suns. Carnistir says something, and I look at him. Oh, how I wish I could understand. But I have to learn again. All words seems blown from my mind, leaving nothing but tones and melodies.

I understand Carnistir asks me a question, but I can't answer. The four in front of me are looking at me, expectingly, but I bow my head. Then I hear the woman, nana, say something. I hear Atarinkë answer, and then silence. Slowly I lift my gaze to look at them. I see understanding in their eyes, and a hand is put at my shoulder, but no words are said. They know I have to learn again. Hopefully it will go fast.

_And soon we feel,_

_Why do a single thing to-day,_

_There's tomorrow as sure as I'm here._

My eyes wander again over the family which is gathered there, in front of me. Then I frown. There's still one missing. "Macalurë?" I ask, looking questioning at them. Tylkormo smiles, and nods toward the person standing behind me. I turn.

Grey eyes are there to greet me with a smile. Ink-coloured hair and blue clothing. He haven't changed since last I spotted him. I open my mouth to say something, but the words get suck in my throat, and I have forgotten. Therefore I close my mouth, and instead embraced him. I let my head rest on his shoulder, and hear him say something with a small laughter in his voice. I feel the tears burn my eyes, but try to hold them back. It don't work for long. They run down my cheeks, and I close my eyes firmly. Once again my shoulders are shaking with sobs, but this time it is quiet. It feels strange to be held by my younger brother, but then I remembered he has lived longer than me. He had been taken back later, and besides, he has both a wife and a daughter. Why hadn't I remembered? Maybe because I never had gotten the chance to meet them.

Macalurë slowly rub my back, but I can't make out what his words mean. For a long while all I hear is the tones of his voice as he speak softly.

Slowly he let go of me, and dry away my tears with a smile. "Welcome home," he say. My eyes widen when I realized I understand.

_So the days turn into years,_

_And still no tomorrow appears._

_Better think a while,_

_Or I may never think again._

_If this were the last day of your life, my friend,_

_Tell me, what do you think you would do then?_

_Stand up to the blow that fate has struck upon you,_

_Make the most of all you still have coming to you._

_Lay down on the ground and let the tears flow from you,_

_Crying to the grass and trees, and heaven finally on your knees._

_Let me live again, let life come find me wanting._

_Spring must strike again, against the shield of winter._

_Let me feel once more the arms of love surround me,_

_Telling me the danger's past, I need not fear the icy blast again._

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**A/N: **I hope you liked this, and if you got those _feelings_ when reading this, then my mission here is achieved.

Thank you for R&R.

Katrine L.


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